Why Regulation Comes Before Cooperation

👟 You’ve asked five times. Shoes still aren’t on.

                               What now?

If you’ve ever been in that moment frustrated, rushing out the door, wondering if your child is ignoring you…pause. What looks like defiance often isn’t defiance at all.

It’s dysregulation.

I’m a myofunctional therapist, a dental hygienist, and a mom and in this post and this weeks podcast episode “Regulation Before Cooperation: The Real Key to Calm Kids” I want to share what’s really happening in your child’s body when they “won’t listen.”

We’ll talk about:

• 🧠 The nervous system and why kids don’t always listen

• 🪢 The vagus nerve and how the mouth plays a role

• 🧩 Simple body-based tools you can use at home

• 👩‍⚕️ The questions to ask your provider

Because when you understand regulation, everything changes.

🧠 Why Kids Don’t Always Listen

Our kids don’t listen with their ears first they listen with their bodies.

When the nervous system feels safe and regulated, the brain is open for learning, listening, and cooperation.

But when the nervous system is dysregulated stuck in survival mode (fight, flight, or freeze)—logic and cooperation go offline.

This comes from polyvagal theory, and here’s the simple breakdown:

• Safe + social state → calm, connected, cooperative

• Fight or flight → unsafe, reactive, defensive, explosive

• Freeze → shut down, blank stare, withdrawn

So when you say, “Put on your shoes,” and your child ignores you, it may not be a choice. Their nervous system may literally be unable to access cooperation in that moment.

🪢 The Mouth–Nervous System Connection

Here’s the part most people miss.

The vagus nerve sometimes called the body’s “calm switch” runs from the brainstem through the throat and chest, all the way to the gut.

Guess where it passes? 👉 Right through the mouth and airway.

That means the way your child breathes, chews, swallows, and rests their tongue has a direct effect on their nervous system.

• Mouth breathing → keeps the body on high alert

• Low tongue posture → changes airway and vagal tone

• Poor sleep → keeps kids stuck in survival mode

This is why kids who snore, grind their teeth, or mouth breathe often look hyper, defiant, or spacey. Their body is wired for survival, not cooperation.

Tools to Support Regulation

When your child is dysregulated, you can’t logic them back into calm. Their body has to feel safe first.

Here are some simple vagus nerve-friendly tools:

• 🌬 Breathe together — Place your hand on your belly, invite your child to match your breath, exhaling longer than inhaling. (“Let’s blow out the candles together.”)

• 🥕 Chew with resistance — Crunchy foods like apples, carrots, jerky, or crusty bread stimulate the jaw and tongue, activating the vagus nerve.

• 🎶 Hum or sing — Vibration calms the nervous system. Hum a silly song together.

• 🥁 Use rhythm and movement — Walking, bouncing, or clapping in rhythm. The brain loves rhythm—it signals safety.

• 💦 Cold water splash — A quick splash of cool water on the face can reset the vagus nerve.

💡 Pro tip: Kids can’t regulate if you aren’t regulated. Sometimes the first step is taking your own breath before guiding them.

👩‍⚕️ What to Ask Your Provider

Here’s where many parents get stuck. You notice the patterns mouth breathing, restless sleep, constant meltdowns but your provider says: “It’s just a phase. They’ll grow out of it.”

But remember: common doesn’t mean normal.

You are allowed to ask questions. In fact, you should. Here are four to keep handy:

• “Could my child’s sleep or breathing be affecting their behavior?”

• “Do you screen for airway issues like mouth breathing or snoring?”

• “What specialists do you recommend if I’m concerned about sleep and behavior?”

• “How can we address the root cause instead of just treating symptoms?”

The providers most likely to connect these dots:
✔ Myofunctional therapists
✔ Airway-focused dentists
✔ Pediatric sleep specialists
✔ Occupational therapists trained in regulation

If your provider welcomes your curiosity you’re in the right place. If they dismiss your questions? That’s a red flag.

Your child isn’t being defiant. They’re dysregulated.

When we remember that regulation comes before cooperation, everything shifts.

A child in survival mode can’t listen.
But a child who feels safe? They can thrive.

So the next time your child “won’t listen,” pause. Ask yourself: Is this behavior… or dysregulation? Then try a tool breathe, chew, hum, move.

Because when the body feels safe, the brain can cooperate.

If this post made you nod along, here’s how to take the next step:

• 💌 DM me for a free checklist of “Questions to Ask Your Pediatrician”

Parents and teachers deserve tools not just labels and kids deserve help not just discipline.

💛 You’ve got this. And you’re not alone.